The Curious Incident of Mr Muffins
by SirIntegrity
Summary: It's Integra's turn to bring home a stray. Please R&R.


Disclaimer: Only thing I own is Bucky VonDracula Muffins.

Walter first met what he referred to as the Devil's kitten the night he arrived. He was cleaning the windows when he saw Sir Integra's car pull up. She had taken a well-deserved evening off for once and had gone into London. He noticed that she was carrying something inside of her blazer in one arm, and in the other a container of some sort. He stepped off of the ladder he had been on and went to go see if there was anything she needed (and also because he was curious as to what was in her blazer).

She jumped a little as he opened the door for her and then smiled sheepishly.

"Hello, Walter," she murmured.

"Good evening, Sir Integra. What is that you have in there?" He peered into her arm.

It was a tiny thing, barely a few pounds in weight, and the majority of it was its fur. It looked like it had just come out of the dryer, with long puffy calico fur. Twin amber eyes glared at Walter.

"He got out of the pets store somehow and followed me around the mall," she explained, "I took him back, but he just kept mewing and mewing so sadly..." Walter grinned. Integra wasn't even looking him in the eyes.

Her father and uncle had both been allergic to cats, and Alucard hated them with a fiery passion, but he knew that Integra had always wanted one. There was a light in her eyes, the kind in a young girl's eyes that was filled with faith and hope. He hadn't seen that light in a very, very long time.

"I suppose its things are in the car?" He asked. Integra nodded.

"Thank you," she murmured, walking up the staircase.

When she thought he wasn't looking, she peeked into her blazer and grinned at her kitten, cooing to it. Walter's smile barely fit on his face. Integra was being affectionate towards the little guy. _Anything_ that brought out this side of her was welcome as far as he was concerned.

Alucard first met what he referred to as the Intruder when he came into Sir Integra's office that night. His first warning was the conversation he overheard.

"Where should I put this?" Walter asked.

"Well, I suppose my bathroom. I don't want my office or my room stunk up by his business."

"All right, then."

The second warning was Walter. He chuckled as he saw Alucard.

"I do believe you've been replaced as Integra's pet," he remarked, carrying a large tub. Alucard looked at it closer.

It was a litter box. Alucard's lips curled back in distaste and audibly growled. There was only one pet, besides the occasional dog, that used a litter box.

The third warning was actually seeing the little shit curled up in Integra's lap, Sir Integra stroking its afro fur.

"What...is...that?" He snarled. Integra looked up calmly.

"A six-month-old kitten."

"A...kitten."

"Yes," A low grumble came from the back of Alucard's throat. The Intruder glanced up and gave a low growl, "You've upset Mr. Muffins," Integra pouted.

"You've named it?" Alucard hissed. Integra smirked.

"I've even given him a full name," she admitted sheepishly, "Bucky VonDracula Muffins."

A snarl ripped from Alucard's chest.

"YOU ARE NOT NAMING A CAT AFTER ME!" He roared. Integra laughed.

"You should be grateful. I almost named it Alucard."

"Get rid of it."

"No! You're the one who suggested I get a pet to practice caring for!"

"I was thinking a boyfriend, or a dog, but certainly NOT a cat!"

"What do you have against cats?"

"They're independent, only love you on their terms or when it's convenient for them, never come when they're called, do not do tricks on command, and have a fascination with cleanliness. Not unlike women," Integra leaned forward, folding her hands in front of her.

"You have two options as I see it. Either you put up with Mr. Muffins, or suffer the consequences if you don't."

Mr. Muffins glared at Alucard to emphasize Integra's threat. With a final growl of hatred, Alucard turned and vanished into a swirling red and black portal.

Seras first met what she referred to as the Cutest Thing Ever To Walk On Hellsing Grounds as Sir Integra passed her in the hallway. At first, she thought it was one of Master's many familiars, but then realized it was a small calico kitten with the same stalking loyalty as Master was known to do.

"Awwwww!" She exclaimed. Integra stopped and smiled, "It's soooooo cute! What's its name?"

"Bucky VonDracula Muffins, AKA: Mr. Muffins," Seras attempted to pet him, but he danced away from her.

"Shouldn't his last name be "Hellsing"?" She asked trying to pick him up. He dashed through her legs and went to Integra's side. She snorted.

"Of course not," he climbed up her leg, meowing. She picked him up, "You're not a Hellsing, are you? I haven't completely lost my mind and forgotten how you're an animal like some people, right?" She asked him, pressing her nose to his. He purred, delighted.

Integra held him out, offering Mr. Muffins to Seras. Seras grinned, taking the precious thing from Sir Integra. Mr. Muffins looked around frantically as if to say, _Who the heck are you? I want Sir Integra, where's Sir Integra?!_ He fought against Seras. She briefly thought about forcing him to cuddle, but let him jump down gracefully from her arms. He went immediately to Sir Integra's side.

"Go back to Seras," Integra said gently, nudging Mr. Muffins away with her foot.

"No, it's all right. He obviously knows who his mother is," Seras said wistfully.

A week later, Walter was going to clean the litterbox. There was an agonized moan coming from Sir Integra's room. Walter peered in.

Mr. Muffins was sitting facing Integra's bathroom, meowing angrily as she showered. Walter laughed.

"She'll be out in a minute," he assured him. Mr. Muffin's yellow eyes whipped around.

Before Walter knew it, the kitten had bounded over to him and climbed up his leg. Walter yelped, kicking out rapidly. Mr. Muffins held stubbornly on, slowly sliding down his leg. Walter jumped about, surprised at how much pain those tiny claws were giving him. He could take a bullet with little more than a groan, yet here he was, acting like he was dying. Walter finally grabbed Mr. Muffins by the scruff of his neck and threw him onto Integra's bed.

"What's going on out there? It sounds like World War III," Walter turned to see a wet Sir Integra, a towel wrapped hastily around her.

Mr. Muffins gave a pleased purr, rushing to his master's side. Integra glanced down, but not at the kitten. Walter followed her gaze. His trousers had been torn to shreds. She smirked.

"Who won?" She asked, clearly amused. Walter laughed.

"Man always conquers beast, Miss Integra," he said, crossing his legs in a vain attempt to hide some of the damage. Mr. Muffins gave a menacing growl. Integra glanced down at him.

"I don't think he agrees," Integra said.

Alucard was sick. Sick and tired. The cat's stench was everywhere Integra had been. He could hear that thing crying from the _basement _**whenever** Integra was out of sight. And how that cat never left Integra's side, so whenever he had to talk to Integra, he had to deal with that monster. Where it slept? RIGHT NEXT to Integra's head on her pillow! Oh, that irritated him to no end.

Then, a ray of hope shone through as Alucard was passing by the office. He could hear her talking.

"Who's my good boy? Who's my very good boy? Who's my best boy in the entire world?" Alucard grinned, strutting into her office.

"I am!" He answered. Integra stared at him, Mr. Muffins toying with her computer mouse.

"You do realize I was talking to the cat, don't you?" She asked. She laughed, "Why on earth would I call you a "good boy"?"

Alucard felt his chest deflate. He frowned, glaring at that stupid cat.

"Yeah, well, talking to an animal is even worse than talking to inanimate objects!" He yelled, "Besides, I'm nobody's good boy! I'm evil, I am bad to the _bone_! And I am a man, damn it, not a boy! A full-grown man!" He stormed over to the computer desk, "Where does this pesticide rate?! To, to sleep next to you and, and follow you around all the time and get all of your attention and love and your strokes and your caresses and have his feces cleaned up by Walter no matter where he craps and, and...has an afro! He's not even all black! How. Does. He. Rate?!"

"Alucard," Integra said carefully, "He's a cat."

"And I'm a vampire! A vampire, a vampire, a vampire, a vampire..." he chanted as he shook his head, his face in his hands, his elbows on her desk. Integra glanced at Mr. Muffins, who was still playing with the mouse, oblivious that anything was wrong with this picture. She turned back to Alucard, who was glaring at her, "You never let me sit on your desk! You never let me play on your computer!" He snarled.

"Alucard, you kick everything off my desk and go to pornographic websites knowing that my computer is tracked by the government," she extended her arms towards him, "I know it's been difficult for you to adjust to having another pet in the mansion, nonetheless a cat. Let's face it; you're a vampire. It would be a little disturbing if you slept on my pillow or followed me around or if I started petting you and giving you cutesy nicknames..."

"No, it wouldn't," Alucard insisted. Integra sighed.

"I'm very proud of you for not eating Mr. Muffins. I can only imagine just how terribly you want to. And you will always be my pet vampire," Alucard grinned from between his fingers.

"And I can do more for you than that fleabag ever could," he said haughtily. Integra nodded.

"It's all right to be a little jealous," she assured him.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Alucard slammed his hands down on the desk, causing some of the wood to splinter and Mr. Muffins to jump a clean foot in the air.

"Jealous?! You think _I_, the Nosferatu Alucard, am _jealous_?! Of _that_?!" He pointed a finger at Mr. Muffins, who had resorted to cleaning his area to comfort himself from Alucard's outburst. He jerked a thumb back, "_I_ am _never_ jealous! _I _have absolutely no _reason_ to be jealous of _anyone_, especially a good-for-nothing afro cat!" He wheeled around, heading for the door. He stopped, turned around, and pointed a finger at Integra, "And _FYI_, I am _waaaay_ better than _any_ cat at _anything_. Even at cleanliness."

Seras was coming to see Mr. Muffins when she was nearly ran over by Alucard, who was storming out of Sir Integra's office. He paused, glaring holes through Seras.

"I am NOT jealous," he seethed, and then stalked on. Seras shakily kept walking to Sir Integra's office.

She looked just as unnerved, stroking Mr. Muffins. Mr. Muffins rolled onto his stomach and purred.

"What was that about?" Seras asked, approaching her desk. Integra sighed.

"Alucard's jealous."

"I AM NOT JEALOUS!!" He yelled from wherever he was in the mansion. Integra rolled her eyes. Seras giggled.

She reached out to pet Mr. Muffins. Mr. Muffins growled, pressing closer to Sir Integra.

"You need to learn to be more social," she said, scratching him between the ears. She looked up at Seras, "He's pathetically a mother's boy."

"I can see that," Seras said irritably. Sir Integra picked up Mr. Muffins and pushed him towards Seras. Mr. Muffins howled, sinking his claws into her desk. She sighed.

"I need to take him to the vet's."

Seras was naturally a very selfless person, never envious, always happy for others. But she was also used to friendly animals who would let her hold them. And the thought that this cat couldn't be parted from Sir Integra for a single second, not even to be held by her, was severely causing her envy and anger beyond any she thought she could have for a pet (the anger part anyway, the envy was towards Sir Integra).

Walter continued to try to serve Integra, only to be thwarted by Mr. Muffins. It seemed as though the cat was slowly isolating Sir Integra for himself. Alucard wouldn't go near it, Integra couldn't get the thing to leave her side or it would meow until she opened the door again (12 hours! It had mewed all night one time!), and even Seras wasn't allowed near his master. He thought Alucard was territorial.

He was simply walking down the hallway. Sir Integra had shut the kitten out of her office, probably in hopes of getting work done. He passed by Mr. Muffins without thinking.

Next thing Walter knew, it had jumped onto his back and was sliding down, claws sunken into Walter's skin. Walter shrieked and tried desperately to get Mr. Muffins off of him. Mr. Muffins was taking his sweet time sliding down.

Sir Integra opened the door and Mr. Muffins jumped off of Walter, purring and going to his master's side. Walter glared at Sir Integra.

"I hope you realize that cat is a demon created by Satan himself from the deepest pits of hell," he hissed.

&

The cat was getting special treatment, Alucard realized bitterly. The cat practically had Integra to himself. He spent every second with Integra. He complained when he wasn't with Integra until he was. Integra let him get away with dozens upon dozens of things she would never let Alucard do. Did Alucard get to use her bathroom? Did Alucard get to sit in her lap? Did Alucard get to follow her around the mansion? No!

Alucard stiffened as he saw Integra ready to walk out the door...with Mr. Muffins in her arms.

"You're bringing the cat with you?!" He snarled. Mr. Muffins gave a low growl.

"Yes..." Integra said hesitantly. Alucard's eyes narrowed.

"Oh, I see. Now _he's_ your buddy. You can't _stand_ to leave him behind. What's next? Pet clothes?! You're loosing your mind, Integra! It's an animal!"

"I'm well aware of that. That's why-"

"That's why you're annoying everyone! Because you love that cat more than anyone else, and that's sad, really sad. I'm sure you'll even leave the air conditioner on for it! You never leave the AC on for me on the rare occasions I _do_ get to go with you! You never even crack the windows! Did you consider maybe _I_ want to go with you? That maybe _I _want to ride shotgun and keep you company? That maybe I want to "come with" for once?!" Integra paused.

"Well, I did consider it for a brief shining moment, but decided against it."

"WHY?!"

"Because I didn't think you would want to go to the vet with us and get neutered alongside Mr. Muffins," Alucard turned around.

"I think I'll pass. But for future reference, it's nice to be invited even if you know I'm going to say "no"."

A week later, Seras walked purposefully to Sir Integra's office. She was going to force Mr. Muffins to love her.

She didn't even bother to use the door. She phased in. Sir Integra glanced up, and then picked up Mr. Muffins. She handed him over to Seras. Mr. Muffins struggled in Seras's arms, but his attempts were futile against Seras's vampiric strength. She held him tight until he tired, and then stroked his fur. He lay limp, not giving the slightest purr as Seras cooed and petted him and scratched him behind the ears or under his chin. After twenty minutes of his limpness, Seras gave up and set him back on Sir Integra's desk. He raced back to his mother's lap.

"I guess you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink," Seras said dismally.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure there are plenty of other loving kittens at the pound," Sir Integra encouraged her. It wouldn't be the same, Seras thought. Because Mr. Muffins was never going to love her.

Walter also was beginning to get frustrated with Mr. Muffins' personality. He had scratches all over his body from his attacks, and he had done nothing to provoke the little demon. He had considered several ways of "accidents" that could happen to Mr. Muffins, but didn't dare carry them out. He didn't want to hurt Sir Integra.

So he came up with the bright idea to try to befriend Mr. Muffins.

It started when he was setting up tea for Sir Integra. She had shut out Mr. Muffins again and, giving up on re-entering the office for a moment, stalked into where Walter was.

"Hello, little one. How are you?" Walter kneeled down and pet Mr. Muffins. Mr. Muffins looked warily at him, "How about we put this whole anger thing behind us, huh?"

Mr. Muffins didn't agree. He chomped down on Walter's bottom lip and held on. Walter screamed, tears pricking his eyes. The more he tried to pull, the harder Mr. Muffins held on.

"Integra! Integra!" Walter shrieked, knowing that was the only way to get the beast off of him.

Integra took her sweet time as Mr. Muffins hung from Walter's lip. She came in and gasped.

"Mr. Muffins!" She scolded. She grabbed Mr. Muffins and tried to pry him off. Mr. Muffins didn't listen, "Brace yourself, Walter," she warned. He closed his eyes.

He let out a scream that nearly shook the mansion as Integra tore Mr. Muffins off of Walter's lip.

"I'm sorry," Integra apologized and then turned to Mr. Muffins, "Bad boy! Bad boy!" She smacked him a couple of times and then dropped him onto the ground. Mr. Muffins' posture dropped and he looked up sadly at Integra. She wasn't looking at Mr. Muffins, however.

She grabbed the napkin off of the table setting and pressed it to where Walter was bleeding. He was trying not to cry, but it was very hard with a facial wound.

"I'm sorry," Integra said again.

"I. Hate. That. Cat," he stated.

&

"Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow."

Alucard had pressed a pillow over his head and was in the basement, but he could still hear the little shit meowing and meowing for Sir Integra. He. Had. Had. It.

Alucard stormed upstairs and tracked down Mr. Muffins. He was sitting at the front door, meowing away.

"SHE'S GONE! DEAL WITH IT!!" Alucard yelled. Mr. Muffins turned around and looked at Alucard, and then went back for whining. Alucard took a deep breath, "She'll be right back, you little...bundle of joy."

It continued to meow. And meow. And meow.

"SHUT UP!!" Alucard screeched. It didn't.

On impulse, Alucard went up and kicked the cat. However, Alucard's gentle kick and a human's gentle kick were vastly different. Mr. Muffins went flying across the room and hit the opposite wall with a sickening crack. He crumpled to the floor and didn't move, the wall stained with a huge smear of blood.

"Oh...snap," Alucard murmured. He raced to Mr. Muffins' side. His eyes were frozen open. Alucard felt his jugular. No heartbeat.

Walter and Seras, who had heard Alucard's yelling, came to investigate. The first image they saw was Alucard giving Mr. Muffins mouth-to-mouth.

"Live, you stupid thing, live!" Alucard exclaimed.

"Ooooh, you killed Sir Integra's ca-at," Seras snickered. Alucard spun around.

"Police girl, don't you dare tell Sir Integra I killed her cat. She'll send me back to the dungeon. I cannot go back to the dungeon!"

"You killed Mr. Muffins," Walter said, shocked.

"I know I killed Mr. Muffins!"

"Sir Integra loved that cat," Seras added. Alucard pointed at her.

"You're not helping."

"We need to hide the body," Walter decided.

"Police girl, start on the grave. Walter, scrub the stain off. I'll think of excuses," Headlights came through the window.

"No time!" Walter said.

"Shoot. Then, I need a long line of rope."

Sir Integra opened the door. Instead of Mr. Muffins greeting her, it was a grinning Alucard.

"Hello, master," he greeted, his voice slightly higher than normal.

"I don't want to know," Integra said, trying to get around Alucard. He mirrored her moves, "Alucard, I am in no mood for your games. I just want to curl up with a good book and Mr. Muffins on my-" Integra's mouth froze open, her eyes widening.

Off the railing of the second story, by the staircase, there was a long rope hanging over the edge. Dangling on the end of it by the neck was Mr. Muffins.

Alucard turned around and gasped.

"Mr. Muffins! You had so much to live for!" He exclaimed.

"I can't believe you!" Integra yelled. Alucard shook his head.

"I know. That's the last time I have Seras watch anything. Did you know about him being suicidal?"

"You killed my cat!"

"How do you get that from it hanging from a rope?!"

"Cats can't tie a noose!" Alucard pursed his lips. He hadn't thought about that. Integra looked over at the wall, "And what's that?!"

"It appears to be a blood stain," Alucard looked at his furious master and whispered into her ear, "I suspect Walter."

Integra sighed.

"He was a pain in the arse," she agreed. She glared at him, "Still doesn't give you the right to kill him."

"He did us all a favor in killing himself," Alucard muttered.

Mr. Bucky VonDracula Muffins was buried in the backyard, his grave marked simply with a smooth white stone. Seras received a kitten from Sir Integra for Christmas, whom she named Cupcake. This kitten was much less needy and got along with everyone. Except Alucard.

**End**

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